Last week we cleared guilt and shame. I swear I could feel the shame leave my body. And you asked me how I feel now. I feel like my body is lighter and I'm not disgusted with myself anymore.
I had this gnawing feeling I was missing out on being happy because I was wired incorrectly. I fretted over every detail of EVERYTHING, till I was an anxious puddle. Your program was transformational. My body calmed down. I didn't know it was possible to feel like this. It's awesome. I'm not anxious all the time and I know it's because of the program's exercises and the sessions.
I was under a list of shoulds… I should stop by my mom's. I should send the teacher a thank you note. I should take a walk. I should clean the bathrooms. I should go to the network meeting tonight. I was at my wits end. Now I see how I could actually choose to do things. This feels SO much better.
Within minutes of meeting me, Susan gently interrupted our conversation to say "I'm hearing that you are brave and strong. And that you need to be told that you are brave and strong over and over again until you are ready to believe it again." She delivered this message quietly but with authority. Nothing I had said during the course of our brief, introductory conversation would have given her any hint of just how much these words would mean to me. Nothing.
I hope that things have changed, but there was a tremendous pressure then on cancer patients to be brave and strong and to think only the most positive thoughts. I cried and ranted instead. Everyone praised a friend of mine for her courage because she presented a face of unwavering faith to the world when she went through a similar experience. I questioned. As a result, not one person said I was brave.
A few days before visiting Susan for my first session of energy work my husband and I went out for a Chinese lunch. I mentioned how it bothered me that nobody thought I was brave, or strong in the way I had faced my crisis. He said "why the do you care?" and called for the check. The waiter brought a cookie for me. My fortune read, and I swear this is true, "You are brave and strong." I will never know if Susan received guidance from a spirit guide that day, or whether she was able to connect so quickly and with such deep compassion that she simply read my mind. It doesn't matter. This is what a healer does. They open themselves to a healing power which is greater than we are and they fearlessly listen.
Many times when we worked together we were able to reach what we called "the good place" where both of us were open to sacred guidance and healing. When we managed to get to this place a feeling of powerful love would just fill the room. When Susan asked for guidance, or told me that it was time to ask myself, we were never disappointed. It sounds so simple - to listen so intently and with such stillness that you can hear the gentle whisper of the loving universe. It takes courage though - the courage to reach out and believe every time that you will receive an answer.
Susan, I feel like you've given me a bridge, or a stepping-off place to help me translate what I know to be intellectually true into something that's emotionally true - namely, that one has to love oneself in order to truly live an authentic life. And that's a fucking HUGE gift, Susan. HUGE. It's odd because I'm so nurturing with children, and with my friends, but I had no idea how to apply those principles to myself. I tried some of your exercises/meditations/what-have-you in the past, but I felt stupid telling myself that I accepted and loved myself. And now all of a sudden I don't.
I've always struggled with my confidence. This is how I am different now - I accepted a compliment with grace. One of my clients told me I was stellar on a budget conference call. Then when I was assigned a work project I knew that I was picked because I was qualified.